The girl in the sunny place

This is the bittersweet tale of my first week in my first job.

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I'm just going to delve into this topic once because I was hurt and terribly affected by a video, cleverly titled "Dear Fat People."

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Saw this interesting list and I decided to answer it on my own. Like someone would ask me. :D

1:A song you like with a color in the title - Yellow Pages by Ed Sheeran (actually one of the first Sheeran songs I discovered back in 2012)
2:A song you like with a number in the title - Five Colours in Her Hair by Mcfly (a great pick-me-up song and it's the classic tune of Mcfly. I love it.)
3:A song that reminds you of summertime - Best Song Ever by One Direction (I don't know. I guess I have a lot of memories of playing it on my phone a lot during summer?)
4:A song that reminds you of someone you would rather forget about - none, I think. Can't associate anything to that person.
5:A song that needs to be played LOUD - Happiness by Arashi (to lift people's spirits up!!!) or Centuries by Fall Out Boy (THAT SONG IS LEGEN-waitforit-DARY!)
6:A song that makes you want to dance - Sing by Ed Sheeran.
7:A song to drive to - Life is a Highway by Rascal Flatts. (One word: CARS)
8:A song about drugs or alcohol - Drunk by Ed Sheeran
9:A song that makes you happy - Hey Yeah by Sho Sakurai
10:A song that makes you sad - Hold You by Nina Nesbitt featuring Kodaline (this sounds better as a duet and my heart hurts every time I hear this)
11:A song that you never get tired of - A.RA.SHI by Arashi (I don't even need to explain.)
12:A song from your preteen years - Bitiw by Spongecola (I listened to a lot of OPM in my preteen years of no internet access)
13:One of your favorite 80’s songs - Thriller by Michael Jackson (Michael Jackson is a family favorite)
14:A song that you would love played at your wedding - Thinking Out Loud by Ed Sheeran (I don't care if it's too overrated these days. If Ed, and only Ed, sings this at my wedding, whether or not he's the groom, I will cry like a baby)
15:A song that is a cover by another artist - Wayfaring Stranger by Ed Sheeran (I JUST LOVE THIS ON LOOP PEDAL GAHD)
16:One of your favorite classical songs - Symphony No. 7 by Beethoven (from Nodame Cantabile! GYAAAA~)
17:A song that would sing a duet with on karaoke - Everything Has Changed by Taylor Swift featuring Ed Sheeran (Huhu, please)
18:A song from the year that you were born - Always by Bon Jovi (this song is everything, I swear. Thank you, older cousin for letting me listen to this on your old mp3 player)
19:A song that makes you think about life - 100 Years by Five for Fighting (just listen to it and experience existential crisis)
20:A song that has many meanings to you - Blackbird by The Beatles
21:A favorite song with a person’s name in the title - Little Joanna by Mcfly
22:A song that moves you forward - Kitto Daijoubu by Arashi or I'll Be Ok by Mcfly (both tell the same message)
23:A song that you think everybody should listen to - Gang of Rhythm by Walk Off the Earth (it's such a fun, instrument-filled song. I can only remember listening to it with a smile on my face.)
24:A song by a band you wish were still together - It's Gonna Be Me by Nsync
25:A song by an artist no longer living - Greatest Love of All by Whitney Houston
26:A song that makes you want to fall in love - Tenerife Sea by Ed Sheeran (I wish that song was dedicated to me, dang it)
27:A song that breaks your heart - You Break Me by Ed Sheeran and Yozora e no Tegami by Aiba Masaki
28:A song by an artist with a voice that you love - Lego House by Ed Sheeran, Selfies by Nina Nesbitt and Kono Mama Motto by Sho Sakurai (sorry, can't choose)
29:A song that you remember from your childhood - My Heart Will Go On by Celine Dion (my earliest memory is actually watching Leonardo DiCaprio risking his life for a woman with this song playing in the background and young me swaying along to it.)
30:A song that reminds you of yourself - Sha-La-La by Venga Boys (my mother used to tease me whenever this song plays because when I was a kid, I'd relentlessly dance to it. Not even aspired to be a dancer, tbh)

THIS IS PROCRASTINATION AT ITS FINEST. And oh yeah, my high school friends invited me out for snacks tomorrow and I can't bring myself to go and meet them after so long because ANXIETY IS ACTING UP AGAIN. I don't even know what to do.

Cancelling at the last minute. Writing tons tomorrow, instead. I still have some Junba and Yama fics on hold. YAY MEEEE! (•‾⌣‾•)و ̑̑♡

My five-year-old brother came home today crying. My grandmother asked what happened at school. He told her it was because he didn't get any "stars."

A bit of a back story: ever since my brother reached the age that would allow him to enter preschool, my grandparents grew obsessed with having him come home with "stars" on his hands and stories to tell about school or what they did for that day. It was nice because they actually listen to his excited tattles about school and his classmates.

I'm not writing this to mock that. I believe that accomplishments deserve to be acknowledged. I am immensely proud and happy because my brother puts enough effort in things which people think deserve "stars". But I guess I don't like him to think that "stars" are everything.

My father was an achiever. He was constantly on the honor roll, he participated and won in contests, and I bear testament to my father's intellectual abilities. His mother used to tell amazing stories from his childhood, emphasizing the fact that he was quite the little genius. I was impressed. Among the family, my siblings and I luckily inherited this gene.

We're not geniuses but we were above average students. I was on the honor roll, too, but not every time. But I was a very shy kid then so I guess my problem over my personality overshadowed the need to crave for "stars". With accomplishments like awards and honors reaching the elders' ears, they were more than proud. They were ecstatic.

But the way my brother was stressing over the fact that he did not get any "stars" today made me realize how great my grandparents' expectations of him are. Whenever he goes home, his welcoming question would be, "how many stars did you get today?". If he gets stars, my grandmother would ask, "aw, but why didn't you get more?"

It's frustrating. Well, at least for me.

Speaking of disappointments and expectations, I failed to call our grandfather for his birthday today. I did greet him, though, but he often takes these special occasions seriously. I bet he feels like we forgot his birthday.

But yes, I'm struggling with anxiety and I don't think my mother knows this. She doesn't know how much I panic whenever I have to talk to someone over the phone. I don't like answering calls even if it's important. I was once scolded by our editor during internship because I couldn't pick up the phone for an urgent call. He didn't know that I couldn't help it. My palms sweat and my heart starts thudding at the sound of the phone ringing.

So much for future careers, needing the use of phones.

Yeah, I feel really bad today. I just need to sort things out or I'll go crazy.

The rain won't stop for days now and it isn't helping my frayed nerves. My stomach coils at the word "unemployment" and leaves a strange feeling of pain around my chest. I hate that word as much as the next person but they must understand that I may have taken comfort in it but I do not accept it as a word for my current state.

I read this quote somewhere on Facebook last week that says:

"You would like to read, but somehow the rain gets into the book, too; not literally, and yet it really does, the letters are meaningless, and all you hear is the rain."


It is from Embers by Sándor Márai, a Hungarian writer and journalist. According to his bio on Goodreads, he was the first person to write reviews for Franz Kafka's prominent works. Embers is his most prominent work in English.

But before I get carried away by Márai's enthralling history, I would like to get back to his quote which is highly appropriate for this day.

I would like to believe that I love the rain. But sometimes, the rain is all you can hear and that bothers me a lot. There is this greater pull to stay in bed all day because it's cold and getting up meant looking forward to a day listening to rain pitter-pattering on our poor old roof.

I wanted to continue reading Far Far Away by Tom McNeal and I was getting to the good parts, as well. Yet as the rain continued to pour outside, quoting Márai, the rain gets into the book, too; not literally, and yet it really does, the letters are meaningless, and all you hear is the rain.

The feeling grew severe.

After three days of rain, I have neither written a single word nor read even a short story.

And I have to google how to use neither and nor because I forgot how to do it! Sucks.

Until next time.
Maybe when the rain stops,
I'll be able to write something interesting.

I am not gay. But I fully support the people from the LGBT community and this was such a huge success for them. This news made me the happiest this week.

The U.S. Supreme Court has declared gay marriage legal across the United States on Friday. Everyone from all over the world raved about this issue, trending #LoveWins and talking about #MarriageEquality on Twitter. It was truly an amazing thing to witness online and no words could explain how happy I was for them.

The stories of the people asking for the right to marry were written as the majority opinion. They said that “they seek not to denigrate marriage but rather to live their lives, or honor their spouses’ memory, joined by its bond.”

The only thing I'm curious about is why do people make a big deal out of same sex marriage? Will it affect the country's economy? Will it affect other people's lives (aside from the couple's)? Will it be such a big deal to allow two people who love each other to share the same name and to spend the rest of their lives together and to be acknowledged as a legal couple?

The reactions against this particular issue were absurd.

I saw one comment from a news article saying that this was a sign of nearing judgment day.

Pssh.

The society is gradually progressing. Sometimes we have to let go of ancient traditions and make new ones for the new generation. This marriage for same sex couples may be hard to stomach for some, but come on, they're people. Just like you and me.

And if you think you deserve to be happy, then they deserve it, too.